Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
