please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
