I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Gay?
German.
Pity.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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