Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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