My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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