I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
