My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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