I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize