I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
