Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
