Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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