i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Did I show you my penis last night?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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