I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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