Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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