You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
