got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
