I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
