You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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