the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
