the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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