just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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