end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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