last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
