it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
