Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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