i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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