i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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