We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Someone shattered a urinal.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
