if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I don't deserve a penis
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
