i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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