At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Damn victory sex feels great
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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