I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
