how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
