I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
