Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
