she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
she peed on how many people?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
