yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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