I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
