there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
