Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
