I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
