every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You may now shotgun with the bride
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I love you.
Bad choice
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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