hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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