im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
