I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
