Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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