Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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