I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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