Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
