ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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