i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
