i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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