Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My vagina just recognized that song.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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