I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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