p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize