EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
