Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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