an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
