He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize