But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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