They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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